Tuesday, 20 August 2013

A quiet desperation's building higher; I've got to remember this is just a game...

I’m starting to suspect that my whole ‘I’m going to post something new on my blog EVERY DAY!’ ambition was a-little-bit-really-very-optimistic-and-stupid. Not because I don’t have anything to write, but because I have TOO MUCH to write. I have too much I want to do. I have too much want in my life.

For example…Right now I’m editing HEAT for the 30 millionth time so I can finally get my ass out of query letter hell, I’m editing a short story for a competition (which is actually now a medium story because it almost doubles the word limit so THAT’s been all kinds of fun), I’m trying to come up with interesting things to blog about every day (and mostly relying on things that I’ve already written so that barely even counts now, does it?), plotting through at least 7 story ideas inside my head at any given moment, juggling THREE Twitter accounts (like really; what the hell made you think THAT was a good idea??), working on a massive and awesome but did I mention MASSIVE project with the Echelon, working full time (and since I chose to become a teacher that really does mean FULL TIME), helping others with achieve their dreams by offering my highly questionable beta-reader skills, attempting to actually have a life beyond my laptop (hahahaha, oh Girl With Words…You cray-cray), and catching cats carrying canes and collies carrying clubs and cows carrying cakes and cakes covered in candles and Caroline Catfish and Clara Canary because apparently I’m freaking Clarence Clown*.

And before you say anything about the run-on-sentence mania going on up there, THAT’S HOW MY LIFE FEELS.

I know it’s in my power to stop. I know that I can ditch one or two or fifty-five activities and just focus on the other eight hundred other things I’ve got going on, but I don’t know how. I honestly don’t know how to stop with all the want. I want to be everything I can be. I want to achieve so much in my life, and it already feels like time is slipping away from me far too quickly. I want this dream so desperately that it is literally consuming me. There is a fire inside of this heart and a riot about to explode into flames. I can’t escape my desires, and when it comes down it to, I don’t really want to. Maybe I’m a sadist, but I think I’m addicted to the constant fear and adrenalin of always having a deadline breathing down my neck. That must be it, right? A normal person doesn’t get her kicks by staying up until 4am and then playing chicken with the school bell in the morning (I win every time, school bell. I win every time.) A normal person doesn’t have RedBull for breakfast (but it’s the sugar-free version! That’s healthy, right?!) A normal person knows how to say NO to some things and let some pipe dreams go. So the only logical conclusion is that clearly, I am not normal.

But you know what?

Maybe I want it this way.



TITLE LYRICS: ‘A Beautiful Lie’ by Thirty Seconds To I Ramble A Lot

*From the book ‘C is for Clown’ by Stan and Jan Berenstain


…Stan and Jan?? Seriously?? Seriously??


Spot the hidden MARS reference!