Sunday, 18 August 2013

I took my time, I hurried up...The choice was mine; I didn't think enough.

Because I'm in the dark and twisty place.

Trigger warning. Be safe, darlings xo

The sound of running water filled her ears and momentarily drowned out the thoughts. They played in loops in her head, all day and all night. It was finally time to silence them.

She shook off the clothes that hung loosely on her now fragile frame and slid down into the scalding water. A slight smile passed her lips as she thought about her mom’s theory that everyone who commits suicide does so in the buff. It seemed fitting, after all. You enter the world naked; why not leave it that way, too?  Besides, only the successful suicides happen in the nude. She’d had several failed attempts in her past, and she was fully clothed for all of those. Maybe there was something to the naked rule.

She closed her eyes and slid further into the water, fully immersing herself and letting it burn her skin. The drugs she had taken were already starting to mess with her head, and she knew she had to act fast if she wanted to be sure that this time it worked. It had to. There were no options left. She grudgingly pulled her head from the water and looked at her tools on the edge of the bathtub. The now empty bottles of various medications swam before her eyes and she struggled to focus on the item she was looking for.


With a heavy hand she retrieved the razor, slicing her finger opened in the process. She stared at the bead of blood as it grew larger before her eyes, watching it squeeze itself through the small opening she had created. She clumsily raised the razor again, widening the hole. The bead became a tiny river, trickling down her wrist and splashing into the bathtub. She watched as it twisted and faded in the clear water, until there was nothing left at all. It mesmerised her.

She lay back against the edge, sinking down and warming up her freezing arms. She examined the blade through the water, deciding how she wanted to do it. She knew it didn’t really matter, anyway. Even without it she knew she’d done enough to stop her heart from hurting. From beating. Every beat felt like a punishment. She needed it to stop.

She raised her left arm, examining the decade’s worth of damage she had done. Without a moment’s hesitation she dropped the blade onto her wrist, hard. With lightning reflexes honed through years of self abuse, she dragged the blade across her skin, putting what was left of her weight behind it. Her flesh went into shock, turning white for a few moments before filling with the deepest shade of crimson she’d ever seen. She watched with fascination as it pumped into water with every beat of her racing heart. The room grew darker with every beat, and she quickly slashed her other wrist to speed up the process.

No sense in dragging this out.

Her eyes grew heavy and she was vaguely aware of the throbbing throughout her whole body. An intense wave of nausea rolled through her and she leaned over the edge of the bath, allowing her body to rebel against her decisions for the last time. Hundreds of half digested pills hit the clean white tiles in a sea of purple cold and flu medication and yellow bile. She started to think that she should clean the mess, but she never finished the thought.

They found her body a few days later, lying naked in the now cold, murky water.

TITLE LYRICS: 'Adam's Song' by Blink 182