Just a friendly warning: This post is heavy on the MARS. Like 62.77% heavy.
I’ve wanted to write a post like this for a while now, but I’ve never been able to find the right words. I’m not even sure that I’ll find the right words today, but I’m going to do my best. Sometimes you just have to write something out of you, you know? It’s the only way that you can move on.
So. As I’m sure you all know, my favourite band in the universe is Thirty Seconds To Mars. I adore them. I listen to them every single day, and to be perfectly honest, right now I listen to very little else. I can’t help it; I’m crazy addicted. 30 Seconds To Rehab and all that. Now, in case you don’t know the band, this is them here:
Tomo Milicevic, Jared Leto + Shannon Leto
I’m quite new to loving this band (although you wouldn’t know it from how hard I’ve fallen), but I feel like I should explain it for the people who read my blog and just think ‘this girl is completely bonkers.’ I mean I *am* completely bonkers, but I think it’s justified. Maybe you agree, maybe you don’t. You can let me know in the comments section! I’m going to try *really* hard to keep the inevitable fan-girling out of this, but I make no guarantees…
So it started with a song.
That song was called The Kill.
Let’s go back about seven years. I was in a shitty relationship with a person we shall call ‘Voldermoron’. (He was ‘Voldermort’, but I like Voldermort too much for that). Voldermoron’s best quality (and potentially only good quality) was that he had really great taste in music. He introduced me to The Kill. If you’ve never heard the song, you can listen to it (and watch the kick-ass short film) here. Now skipping over the details about my shitty love for Voldermoron, I was not in a good place. In fact I was in a very dark and twisty place, as you can probably tell from some of the things I write about. I turned to music a lot during the hard times (don’t we all?) and I really connected to The Kill. The bridge goes like this:
I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change; I know now:
This is who I really am inside
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance; I know now:
THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM
That bridge was something that I identified with so much. More than I can say, actually. I’d been battling depression and the dark and twisties for YEARS (actually years), but nothing seemed to change. That was who I was. I was scary and damaged, and there was nothing that I could do about it. I accepted it, and continued to live in absolute misery, never even dreaming that I could have anything different.
(Wow. This is rather heavy stuff. Let’s look at the band again.)
(Yep. Works every time!)
If we fast forward a few years, I got out of the shitty relationship with Voldermoron (go team!) and eventually moved across the country to be with my family. Things were looking up, but I was still working through some pretty tough things. I started spending a lot of time with my little brothers (aged 12 and 13), which meant that I spent A LOT of time playing the PlayStation. The only game I actually liked was SingStar, so we started playing that. A lot. There are only so many times you can sing a song before you get bored (unless it’s a MARS song :p) so eventually I started buying songs from the SingStore. Who wants to guess what I bought?
I can’t explain why the song affected me so much, or even how it went from just being a song that I liked to becoming the theme song of my life. All I know is one day I was singing the bridge (and KILLING IT, in case you were wondering. SingStar EVERY TIME, baby :p) and the meaning had changed. Suddenly it wasn’t about giving in to my depression and letting it ‘have me’ as I had been doing since the age of 14. It was about kicking ass and being the person I wanted to be. It was about no longer trying to be someone else or the person I *thought* I should be. It was about accepting myself…And maybe even liking myself just a little bit.
I know, right. Shock horror. Apparently it’s *not* normal to loathe yourself with every fibre of your being. Who knew??
My little brothers did not share my obsession (as that’s what it was by then) and eventually stopped wanting to play SingStar with me because I only wanted to sing The Kill. (And because I was better than them at it. Whoops! :p) I compromised by buying the other Mars songs from the SingStore…Kings + Queens, A Beautiful Lie and From Yesterday. And that was it. Life has never been the same.
I guess the reason I’m telling you all this is so that when you see all my Jared Leto quotes and references, you understand where I’m coming from, at least just a little bit. They’re not just a band to me. They are the reason I fought against all the darkness inside me, and won. I WON. Do you have any idea how amazing that is? They are the reason that I will NEVER give up on my dreams. They are the reason I will always fight for what I believe in, and they are the reason that I will never stop trying to be a better person. They are with me always, and even though they’ll never know who I am or what they’ve done for me, I’ll always have them. I’ll always have their music, and I’ll always have the wonderful things that they stand for and believe in. Their interviews are some of the funniest and most inspiring things I’ve ever seen. There’s this one that Jared did where he went into a school and talked to the students about dreams…It was amazing. I would have sold my left kidney to be there. (Kidding…Or am I??)* They are amazing, especially when you know how damn hard they had to work to get where they are today. Some people fall into success…Others claw their way out of the muddy banks of Louisiana with their instruments in one hand and a fistful of food stamps in the other.
They are even the reason that I started this blog. Sure, I’ve wanted to be a writer ever since I could read, but it’s only really this year that I’ve started to believe that it is possible. That I’ve started to believe in myself. Mars did that for me. They’re not just a band. They’re not. They are my everything. I’m even grateful that I had that shitty relationship with Voldermoron, because without him I may never have heard The Kill. I love them more than I can say. Them and this crazy family called The Echelon. The Echelon are more my family than some of the people that I share my DNA with. They are some of the nicest, most supportive people I have ever met. They are the dreamers + the believers, and whenever I feel like giving up on my dreams, they are there to cheer me on and push me forward. Sometimes they believe in me more than I believe in myself. I have never felt more loved, accepted and supported than I do right now. And if that sounds culty to you, well, all I can say to you is this:
THANK YOU Jared, Shannon + Tomo, for everything that you do.
Thank you for the dreams.
~ Provehito In Altum ~
TITLE LYRICS: Kings + Queens by Thirty Seconds to I LOVE YOU GUYS
To listen to the songs that changed my life, click HERE.
To support the band that saved my life, click HERE.
*Okay, you NEED to see this:
Jared Leto on Dreams
*Okay, you NEED to see this:
Jared Leto on Dreams