Wednesday, 9 October 2013

I hate everything about you.

Dear people who insist on spending their free-time finding reasons to hate, to bring down, and be negative;


Please just go away.

Like really.

It’s not hard.

Find a hobby.

Go to the library and borrow a good book.

Go to the library and borrow a bad book, and laugh at all the plot holes.

Go for a walk.

Watch a movie.

Play with your pet.

Play with yourself.

Have a snack.

Twerk it.

Just…Go away. Go and do something that makes you happy.


I am so tired of logging onto Twitter and Tumblr to find a cavalcade of hate messages. Not hate for me specifically, though that doesn’t make it any less unpleasant. It’s hate for one another, hate for other people, hate for things that actually don’t affect you or your life at all. Hate from people who really should know better. Don’t you have something better to do? Like really. It must be pretty depressing to have so much hate inside your heart. Doesn’t that eat at you? Doesn’t it make you sick?


Perhaps you aren’t sure how to do something other than hate. Perhaps not-hating something is new concept for you. I can understand that. Some people just haven’t been given the skills they need to just walk away when something upsets them. I can help you. I am a teacher, after all. So with that in mind, welcome to:
Haters AIN’T gon’ Hate:
They’re going to find something constructive to do 101.
This is a free course, which may give you reason to hate, because you like to hate everything. But that’s okay. I’m going to talk you through it.


Step One: When you see something you hate, don’t actively pursue it. This means that you don’t keep reading it and you don’t search for more information on it; you just leave it alone. Think of your hate like a sleeping bear. You know what they say about sleeping bears: You shouldn’t hate them. Or is it poke them? I’m not sure. Either way, when you see something you hate…Just walk away.


Step Two: If you absolutely cannot avoid reading it/watching it/ listening to it/twerking it, just go to your happy place. By all means, imagine acting upon your hate. Imagine all the hilariously clever hate-inspired messages you could send the creator of the content which is the object of your hate. You could call them names, accuse them of something of which you have no proof, and you could even claim that they are asking for the hate by doing the thing which you hate. I mean they totally have it coming, right? But again, the important thing to remember here is to imagine it. Do not act upon it. Acting upon your hate is a no-no, and unfortunately will result in your immediate dismissal from this class.

But I won’t hate you for it.


Step Three: This goes along with Step Two; Do not, under any circumstances, write a post that begins with I know I’m going to get a lot of hate for this, but…

As an avid hater yourself, you know that the hate mongers feed upon posts that contain these words. It’s an open invitation, akin to smothering yourself with honey and lying down on an anthill and saying I know I’m going to get a lot of bites for this, but… Just don’t do it, okay kids? Ants may be small, but dammit those buggers can HURT.


Step Four: If you absolutely must vent your hate for a particular person, topic or dance move, write about for the enjoyment of you and your other hateful friends. Now hateful is a strong word, and although it sounds like beautiful do not be fooled: it does not carry the same lovely connotations. However, in this context hateful simply means people who hate what you hate. It’s like that old saying: The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Post the hate to the people you know who hate the thing you hate. Bathe in your loathing for the person, topic or dance move, and revel your ability to see through it all, unlike those sheep who blindly love the thing that you hate. Those poor fools don’t even know how hate-worthy their beloved person, topic or dance move is. Suckers. It is perfectly acceptable, at this point, to feel morally superior and walk around with your nose held so high in the air that you start to trip over things. Just don’t let anyone see you trip, lest they begin to hate you for being clumsy.


Step Five: While Step Four can be a lot of fun, Step Five is absolutely crucial to Step Four: DO NOT TAG THE OBJECT OF YOUR HATE IN YOUR HATE-FUELLED POSTS OR TWEETS. This is just nasty and uncalled for. No matter how much you think the person you tagged won’t see it, chances are they will. And that’s just unpleasant. This is particularly relevant when it comes to celebrities. A famous person is still a PERSON. No-one wants to be bombarded with hateful messages, no matter how famous they are or how deep their swimming pool full of money is. You wouldn’t like it if it happened to you, so just don’t do it, okay? Don’t give me that Oh but they’re famous, so they should expect it crap. Yes, getting hate is part of being a celebrity, but that doesn’t make it any less hurtful. Now this doesn’t mean that you can’t disagree with what someone (famous or otherwise) does. By all means, disagree. People do stupid things all the time. But if you want to comment on it directly to them, how about you reach deep down inside that hateful little heart of yours and find your compassion and intelligence. And then use that to write them a message.


Step Six: In this step, we’ll learn all the things that you can do INSTEAD of instigating hate wars on the Internet. Are you ready for this? Brace yourself. It is going to Blow. Your. Mind.


That’s right, you heard me.



Go and do something that makes you happy. Something productive that builds people up, instead of something that makes you look like a jackass. And I’m sorry, but look like a jackass you do. There’s really no way to spew hateful messages across the Internet without looking douchy. So sorry. So here’s an idea: Next time you feel that fiery furnace of hatred burning inside you, instead of demonstrating your uncanny ability to wear an ass on your head like a hat, go and do something else. Go outside. Go for a walk. Go to a place where you can connect with other haters and hate on the thing that you hate without bringing other people down, and then, now this is important so pay attention: And then get the hell on with your life. Because really. You aren’t children anymore.


Thus endth the lesson. Have a glorious day!


TITLE LYRICS: 'I Hate Everything About You' by Three Days Grace

Yes I am writing this in response to one particular brand of hate but it applies to ALL forms of unnecessary negativity.

I wish I had more space for tags.