Thursday, 24 October 2013

Jesus, save me; I'm in love with this hell.

You know what’s scarier than the prospect of being told ‘no’? The prospect of being told ‘yes’.

Yes.

Such a small word.


We hear the word ‘yes’ all the time. I say the word ‘yes’ all the time. Are you hungry? Yes. Do you want to watch a movie? Yes. Do you love Jared Leto? HELL yes.


It’s just an ordinary, unremarkable word.

But.

Attach that word to something life-changing, and it becomes a whole lot bigger. Are you pregnant? Did you get the job? Will you marry me? When you attach a ‘yes’ to questions like that, those three letters become something extraordinary.

 
I would never have guessed that thought of hearing such a small word could be so scary. Because I am scared, people. I am damn terrified. It is October 24 today, and as you know, I gave myself the thirty day challenge of getting my query letter into fighting shape by the end of October and sending it off into the big bad publishing world. It seemed like a brilliant idea at the time. Jared was being extra inspirational and the timing seemed so serendipitous that I was all grandiose and confident and like seriously what was I thinking.  To be perfectly honest with you all, I was, up until about six minutes ago, ready to write a blog post explaining that since I’ve been sick and dying for the last two weeks (seriously kidneys, you have ONE JOB, and that job is DON’T SUCK), I’ve decided to extend my stay in Query Letter Hell until I’m feeling better and have had more time to work it.

And that would have been bullshit. Sorry for swearing. Though I’ve said worse, so… :p It would have been bullpoopies because the truth is, I don’t want to send it out. I mean I do…But I also really don’t. Not because I’m afraid of being told no (I’m well prepared for that) but because I’m afraid of being told yes. Don’t get me wrong, I know that a yes is highly unlikely, but I have to believe that it is at least a possibility, right? Sometimes you have to bet on yourself. And that is scary as hell because…What if this actually happens? What then? I don’t know how to do scary things like negotiate book deals and read contracts and promote myself. The more I look into it, the scarier it all seems. There’s so much involved in being an author. I had this lovely picture in my head where I would just sit in front of my laptop all day with a can of RedBull and my Mars playlist and let the words fall from my fingertips. Then I would print it off, bundle it in brown paper, tie it with some string and send it off into the big bad publishing world, and that would be that. Ummm…No. It definitely doesn’t work like that, and I don’t just mean the fact that I don’t live in The Sound Of Music.

 
Brown paper packages, tied up with string; these are a few of my favourite things.


The reality of being an author is deadlines and contracts and promotions and websites and readings and understanding all these things that make me feel a little like I’m drowning. Sometimes it just seems like it would be better to stay living in the fantasy world I have created around this dream. It’s so much safer there. I feel like Angela in that scene in My So-Called Life where she is talking to Rayanne and Rickie about the prospect of actually being with Jordan Catalano. (Yes, this teen-drama was before my time, but Jordan Catalano*, people. Jordan. Catalano.)


 
ANGELA: See there’s thinking about it, right? Which is what I do. All the time, like this…

RICKIE: Obsession.

RAYANNE: Right, so…?

ANGELA: So it keeps me going or something. Like, I need it just to get through the day. It’s just…

RICKIE: It’s an obsession.

ANGELA: Right, and if you make it real…It’s not the same. It’s not yours anymore. I don’t know; maybe I’d rather have the fantasy.

My So-Called Life: S01E02

 


It’s exactly like that. Maybe I’d rather have the fantasy of becoming an author.

Luckily for me (or perhaps unluckily) Jared is haunting my computer and The Kill was playing while I was deciding to extend my stay in Query Letter Hell because apparently I’m in love with this hell, and this line in the second verse jumped out at me:


You say you wanted more; WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
 

And that’s just it, right? I keep going on and on about how much I want this (and I do, I really do), but I’m ready to run and hide at the first sign of challenge? What even is that?? That’s not acceptable. So it is, once again, time to kick my own ass. Girl With Words, go and work on your query letter. Enough is enough. You have exactly one week until it’s time to send it out, and send it out you will. Stop making excuses . Stop scaring yourself out of it. You say you wanted more; what are you waiting for? I’m not running from you.

 
Seven days, people. The clock is ticking. Besides…

 




 

 

TITLE LYRICS: ‘Witness’ (unreleased) by Thirty Seconds To Mars

Though does Shannon play it? I don’t think I’ve ever heard any versions with him drumming. So maybe by Jared Leto. And Tomo Milicevic :3

 

*Jordan Catalano is played by Jared Leto, just in case you didn’t know that :3


 

It may seem like sometimes the timing of things is contrived and manipulated to make my blog posts more interesting, but I swear the Universe just does stuff like this to mess with my head :p

(I’m one of those people who attaches significance to insignificant events :p)