Thursday, 3 October 2013

Too small to matter, but big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.

Because I'm in the dark and twisties.

Apologies to those who are bored of reading about depressed little kiddies who need to cut their wrists or starve themselves to death. Unfortunately I am scary and damaged, and thus write about dark topics a lot.

Like...A lot.

BUT not as much as I write about Mars, which is probably a very good thing!


Stay safe.

She watches as the water rushes from the facet, filling the bath with crystal clear water. Steam rises in swirling patterns, filling the room and making the air around her thick and warm. She allows her robe to drop and looks at herself in the bathroom mirror. Thick ribbons of blood pulse from the veins in her arms, cascading over her curves, effortlessly falling to the ground. She watches them as they fall. Each drop is like a part of her falling away into nothingness. She carefully steps into the bath, gasping as the hot water sears her skin. She lowers herself in slowly, watching as her skin becomes covered in angry red blotches, protesting the heat of the water. She bites her lip and sinks in lower, allowing the hot water to wash away all her sins, all her mistakes. She shuts off the facet and holds her arms just above the water, hesitant to submerge them. She knows that once the water hits her skin there will be little time to change her mind, little time to save herself.


But she doesn’t deserve to be saved.


She doesn’t deserve to live.


She holds her breath and dips her arms into the water tentatively. Her veins react instantaneously, immediately pumping blood to the wounds, into the water. She watches the water around her become a pale pink, and closes her eyes as she begins to feel weightless. In the distance she feels her arms throbbing, feels her heart beat quicken, and she knows that she is running out of time.


But she doesn’t care.


She vaguely thinks of those that love her, but she knows in her heart that they will be alright. They will be sad for a time, but eventually she will fade out of their minds, and they will forget she ever existed.


It’s better this way.


Her breathing becomes shallow and rapid, and she feels herself falling under. She takes a deep breath in and slides under the surface, staring at the ceiling through the crimson water. Her lungs gently tell her that she needs to breathe but she ignores them, watching as her life force dances out of her. Her blood twists and turns in the water, and for some reason she can’t help but think about how she always wanted to be a ballerina.


Light, airless, carefree and able to dance on air.


She’ll never be a ballerina now. She’ll never be anything now.


Black spots begin to float across her eyes, and she knows that the time to be saved has come and gone. There is no turning back now. She allows her eyes to close and breathes in deeply, filling her lungs with blood and water. Her head fills light and she does it again, feeling heavy and weightless at the same time. Her head feels cloudy and just before she fades away she thinks of those that love her and smiles, knowing that they will always be with her in her heart.

TITLE LYRICS: 'Breathe No More' by Evanescence