Yeah. Welcome to my life.
(Artwork by Toby Allen, found here)
As that monster’s little description says, he is especially good at making you irrationally fear things that may never happen. He is quite talented at this, because for the last week he has been sitting on my shoulder saying the most ridiculous things ever that I really should know better than to listen to but I can’t help it because I’m dark and twisty and scary and damaged. And yes that was a run-on-sentence but it was deliberate. Mostly. Anyway. Back to the monster. He keeps reminding me about The Horrible Thing I Did and telling me that if I am ever published then somehow everyone will find out about The Horrible Thing I Did and it will be the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of forever and everyone will know how horrible I am and life will cease to exist as we know it.
Another run-on-sentence. I think this post will be full of them.
Now I KNOW that this is silly and irrational because as if I’m ever getting published, but I can’t help but feel, well, anxious about it all. Because the Horrible Thing was, well, Horrible.
Today I was tweeting song lyrics, because really that’s why Twitter was invented, and I tweeted this line from a Reliant K song:
Who I am hates who I’ve been.
…and I start again with a brand new name.
It’s time to forget about the past. To wash away what happened last.
Who I am hates who I’ve been (Reliant K; Who I am hates who I’ve been)
And I need a new direction, ‘cause I have lost my way (End Of All Days)
So I run and hide and tear myself up; start again with a brand new name (Capricorn)
Because it’s time to forget about the past, to wash away what happened last (A Beautiful Lie)
And I won’t suffer, be broken, get tired, or wasted, surrender to nothing or give up what I started (Attack)
Because there is a fire inside of this heart and a riot about to explode into flames (Hurricane)
And I know now: This is who I really am inside (The Kill)
It’s time to let go of the truth; the battles of my youth (A Beautiful Lie)
And no I’m not saying I’m sorry (Closer To The Edge)
Instead I’m going to let it go (Do Or Die)
And keep my eyes on the sun (Bright Lights)
Because all we need is faith. Faith is all we need. (End Of All Days)
[Well, faith and Jared. He sang a song to save us all, after all (Northern Lights)]****
And even though I may fall apart…I’ll always get back up again (Alibi)
I will never forget. I will never regret. I will live my life. (Closer To The Edge)
Because I forgive. Had enough. Time to live. Time to love. (Bright Lights)
It’s time to do or die (Do Or Die)
And fight to the death (Conquistador)
In defence of my dreams (Kings + Queens)
Title lyrics: 'Who I am hates who I've been' by Reliant K
*Is that even a time machine? I don’t know. I don’t watch Dr Who.
Don’t hurt me!
If you haven’t seen this already, go and check out Reasoning With Vampires. You won’t regret it!
***He totally does look like Jesus. I mean…
****Had to. Not sorry.