Monday, 21 October 2013

Who I am hates who I've been.

Have you ever done something that you regret? Of course you have. Everybody has. But I mean something really bad; something that you wish with every single fibre of your being that you could go back and not do. To the point that it is literally eating you inside and keeping you awake at night.

Yeah. Welcome to my life.

Most days I can get along just fine without thinking about it. But then every so often, with no warning at all, I remember The Horrible Thing That I Did and I’m completely overwhelmed by a range of emotions I don’t even want to name. It’s pretty awful. I mean this Horrible Thing was done about five years ago. You’d think that I could let it go already, since I am lacking in a Tardis* and can’t change the past. But my brain is a dark and twisty place where monsters live. Actual monsters, and everybody know you can’t reason with monsters.** Like this one:


(Artwork by Toby Allen, found here)

As that monster’s little description says, he is especially good at making you irrationally fear things that may never happen. He is quite talented at this, because for the last week he has been sitting on my shoulder saying the most ridiculous things ever that I really should know better than to listen to but I can’t help it because I’m dark and twisty and scary and damaged. And yes that was a run-on-sentence but it was deliberate. Mostly. Anyway. Back to the monster. He keeps reminding me about The Horrible Thing I Did and telling me that if I am ever published then somehow everyone will find out about The Horrible Thing I Did and it will be the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of forever and everyone will know how horrible I am and life will cease to exist as we know it.

Another run-on-sentence. I think this post will be full of them.

Now I KNOW that this is silly and irrational because as if I’m ever getting published, but I can’t help but feel, well, anxious about it all. Because the Horrible Thing was, well, Horrible.


Today I was tweeting song lyrics, because really that’s why Twitter was invented, and I tweeted this line from a Reliant K song:


Who I am hates who I’ve been.

I feel it is a pretty accurate description of how I feel right now. My dear friend @mladyrebecca (who is AWESOME, by the way. The whole world should be following her) promptly replied to that tweet with this lyric from a Mars song. Naturally: 


…and I start again with a brand new name.

I then responded with another (Mars) lyric:


It’s time to forget about the past. To wash away what happened last.

And that got me thinking. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the Letter from God. It’s a collection of verses from the Bible pulled together to make a ‘letter’ from God to us. It’s pretty cool and clever, in my opinion. For a while now I’ve been wanting to do something similar with Mars lyrics (NO that’s not blasphemous because as much as Jared looks like Jesus right now***, I do not worship him…Much. KIDDING!) Not so a much as a letter from Mars to us (we already have some of those), but a collection of their lyrics that I love the most organised into an inspirational and motivational thing that I can pull out and read when my brain becomes too dark and twisty to bear. Before you judge me for finding myself through this band, maybe you should read this, and this, and this.

So, I’m going to give this a go. This may be a disaster and it may make you cringe, but it’s keeping the Anxiety Monster at bay so I’m taking that as a sign from The Universe that this is a good idea.


Ps, It starts with Reliant K lyrics…But the rest all belong to Thirty Seconds To Mars (apart from slight changes to make things make sense) All credits to Jared Leto, the lyrical genius behind all Mars songs. No copyright infringement is intended.


Who I am hates who I’ve been (Reliant K; Who I am hates who I’ve been)

And I need a new direction, ‘cause I have lost my way (End Of All Days)

So I run and hide and tear myself up; start again with a brand new name (Capricorn)

Because it’s time to forget about the past, to wash away what happened last (A Beautiful Lie)

And I won’t suffer, be broken, get tired, or wasted, surrender to nothing or give up what I started (Attack)

Because there is a fire inside of this heart and a riot about to explode into flames (Hurricane)

And I know now: This is who I really am inside (The Kill)

It’s time to let go of the truth; the battles of my youth (A Beautiful Lie)

And no I’m not saying I’m sorry (Closer To The Edge)

Instead I’m going to let it go (Do Or Die)

And keep my eyes on the sun (Bright Lights)

Because all we need is faith. Faith is all we need. (End Of All Days)

[Well, faith and Jared. He sang a song to save us all, after all (Northern Lights)]****

And even though I may fall apart…I’ll always get back up again (Alibi)

I will never forget. I will never regret. I will live my life. (Closer To The Edge)

Because I forgive. Had enough. Time to live. Time to love. (Bright Lights)

It’s time to do or die (Do Or Die)

And fight to the death (Conquistador)

In defence of my dreams (Kings + Queens)

Well. That was all kinds of fun. Let me know what you think…Can I just say, I love Mars. I really, truly do.



Title lyrics: 'Who I am hates who I've been' by Reliant K

*Is that even a time machine? I don’t know. I don’t watch Dr Who.

Don’t hurt me!


**Or Vampires.

If you haven’t seen this already, go and check out Reasoning With Vampires. You won’t regret it!


***He totally does look like Jesus. I mean…

DontgooffonatangentdontgooffonatangentstayfocusedstayfocusedSTAYFOCUSEDsweetmotherofLetojustLOOKathat STARE


****Had to. Not sorry.