Saturday, 17 May 2014

Fate is coming, that I know; time is running out.

When I first started this blog, I had ‘Procrastinator Extraordinaire’ in my bio. I have since removed it (in favour of ‘Where words fail, music speaks’), but I feel like that is still a huge part of who I am. Time waster. Avoider. Dilly-dallier. Lately I have found myself wasting more and more time, to the point where whenever there is a break in my creative flow, my hands automatically reach for my phone. I’ll just check Twitter while I think. I’ll just send a quick text. I’ll just do an image search to help me better describe Avery’s features...He looks like Jared Leto; better spend four hours looking at pictures until I find the perfect one [true story]. It’s getting so bad that I feel like I haven’t been achieving ANYTHING lately. Sure, I still write a couple of hundred words almost every day, but given what I am sacrificing to pursue my dreams, that is NOT good enough. I don’t really know how it got to be this way. I have always been a massive procrastinator, but I used to use writing as a way of procrastinating what I SHOULD be doing. Oh I’ve got end of term reports to write? Nah, I’m going to go ahead and write an entire novel instead [This really happened]. And now? It seems like writing is the thing I am trying to avoid. It’s silly and completely counter-productive, but it is happening more and more. I know the reason for it, of course. It always comes down to the same thing: Fear. Fear of failure; fear of realizing that I simply don’t possess the talent to be noticed in a fiercely competitive field; fear that no one will connect with what I have to say. Every blog post I write is riddled with fear. What if they hate it? What if no one reads it? What if I’ve made a huge mistake in fighting for this dream? I know I’ve written about fear before (a lot, actually), but that’s because it’s a daily struggle. I feel like I am caught between who I am and who I want to be. If I could just let go of the fear, I could do more. Achieve more. Be more.


Which brings me back to time. The logical side of my brain knows that wasting time and procrastinating is the worst thing I could be doing right now. It keeps reminding me that the only way I am guaranteed to fail is if I never try, and all this time-wasting and Jared-looking means I’m not trying hard enough. The only way to get better at writing is to KEEP WRITING, and yet that’s the thing I’m struggling to do. Not for lack of ideas; I have more ideas then I know what to do with. Of course there is huge value in taking some time away and doing other activities, but all I’ve been doing lately is ‘other activities’. Some of them are necessary and some of them are other creative endeavours, but most of them are pointless time killers and they need to stop. I keep thinking about something someone* said: It may not seem like much when you spend 10 minutes watching funny YouTube videos or spend half an hour watching mindless TV, but when you add up all the times you did that over a course of a week, it usually turns out to be a lot. Think about all you could have achieved in that time. Think about all you could have done. If you want to live your dreams, you have to work. You know this. I know this. We all know this. You have to be willing to sacrifice other things so that you have time to do the work. You have to recognise your distractions and temptations and do your best to eliminate or remove them. You have to want it more than you want anything else. You have to be compelled beyond a reasonable doubt. It’s not a matter of ‘finding’ the time; you have to make the time to turn your dreams into your reality. So, Girl With Words, this is a message to you from you: Quit screwing around. Get your ass in gear and get your act together. And if that’s not motivation enough, consider this: It’s really about what’s important to you. If you want to make things and share those things with people and you want to be a creative person, you have to produce work and create something of value. If that’s what’s important, that’s what you’ll spend time doing. Time may be infinite, but your time is not. Spend it wisely.


Title lyrics: ‘Do or Die’ by Thirty Seconds To Mars

*Yeah…It was Jared. Naturally.

**Jared actually said pretty much the entire last paragraph…#Whoospie