Sunday, 5 October 2014

To find yourself just look inside the wreckage of your past.

Sometimes you have so many emotions inside you that you don’t know what to do with them. Sometimes you feel as though if you feel anything more your heart is going to swell to thirty times its normal size and then explode. Sometimes you feel as though you’re the only person who has ever felt this way, and then you feel like a crazy person.

Sometimes you feel too much.
Today I feel too much.

What do you do when you’re so full of hope and love and sadness and brokenness at the same time? What do you do when there’s too much inside of you and you’re running out of room to store it? When you’re completely full but desperately empty at the same time?

If you’re like me, you ask you friends for advice. And if you have good friends – and I hope you do – they tell you to use it. Channel it into something creative and let it out. Bleed it out. Write it out. Get it out of you any way you can, because keeping it in is a mistake. Denying it is a mistake.

So here I am, writing it out. I don’t know if this will ever see the light of day, but that’s hardly the point. Not everything you write has to be shared. Not everything you do needs an audience.*

I’ve been very self-reflective lately. Thinking about the way things work out. About the past. About the future. Thinking. Dreaming out loud. The past couple of months it’s felt like the Universe has been speaking to me in a major way. Or, as my mum puts it, screaming at me. I feel like I’m at a cross road, you know. Like the decisions I make over the coming months are crucial. It’s a strange feeling to know – and I mean really know – that right now, in this moment, you are on the right path in life. That you are closer than ever becoming the person you want to be and to living the life you’ve always wanted to live. It’s scary, really. You’d think it would be easier than questioning everything, but it’s actually much harder because the questioning just increases. The simple answer is never what it seems. The best thing to do in these times, I find, is to learn from your past. And to do that, you have to look back. To find yourself just look inside the wreckage of your past.

I’ve been talking to quite a few people who are, unfortunately, where I was not so long ago. In the depths of the dark and twisty place. So far in that it seems ludicrous to even imagine that a world exists outside. It’s been interesting to take on the role of the people I used to hate. The people who tell you that everything is going to be okay. The people who smile and assure you that living won’t always feel like a burden. The people who you’d like to high five. In the face. With a chair. Hopefully I’m not as bad some of the “cheer-uppers” I encountered, but I’m sure I still sound annoyingly optimistic. I don’t mean to be. It’s difficult to find the right words to say to someone when they are in that state because everything you say sounds like bullshit. I know this from experience on both sides. So it’s gotten me thinking about what I’d say to myself back then. What I’d want to hear. Funny enough the things I’d want to hear probably aren’t that different to things anyone in a similar situation would want to hear. We often feel all alone in the world, but it simply isn’t the case. We all go through the same stuff. So with that in mind…

Dear [Namey],

You’re probably wondering why I’m calling you [Namey] since we both know how much you hate it. Let me just tell you that one day someone is going to call you that, and it’s going to be one of the most amazing things you’ve ever heard. So don’t complain. You’ll thank me later.

I’ve been wanting to write you this letter for a while now, as a way of getting things clear in my own mind. We both know it is very dark and twisty in there, so getting it down on paper is good way to untwist and shine a light. Not that it always works, mind you, but it is a start.

So. I know that right now it feels like the world is falling spectacularly apart. I know that there are days where you wonder why you bother trying, or why you even get out of bed in the morning. I know that there are days where it is an honest to God effort to keep breathing. I clearly remember the days where you – I – would breathe in and not breathe out until my lungs started to burn because it was entirely too much effort. I remember those days. The viscous days. The days where it felt like we were moving through honey. Sticky and impossible. Claustrophobic.

You have a lot of people telling you that things will get better if you xyz, and although you know they’re trying to help, they are making it so much worse. I know that. Can’t they see that doing xyz is impossible right now because it’s taking everything you are to just keep the oxygen flowing in and out of your lungs? You feel like you’re screaming but they don’t hear you. They don’t see you. They don’t need you and they don’t want you.


I want to tell you, Namey, that even though you’ve heard it a hundred million times and it always sounded like some fake bullshit they feed you keep you from breaking the blade out your plastic razor…It gets better.
I’m going to repeat that.


You will fall apart. You will. But you’ll get back up again. And you will repeat this cycle until one day the balance between being in pieces and holding yourself together with bits of glue and silly putty will shift and you’ll be whole more often than you are broken. You’ll look back on all the worst moments of your life and you’ll be able to see how they brought you to here, to where I am now, sitting in your future bedroom suffering in the most delicious way through the music destined to change your life. One day you’ll be sitting in here so full of hope and love that you don’t know what to do with yourself. I know that seems impossible. If I wasn’t here experiencing it for myself I wouldn’t believe it either, but it’s true. In the not-so-far-away-future you will be grateful for every single day you get to be alive. It will happen. Soon.

[You’ll also learn to hate that word, and rightfully so as I am sooning you right now. Apologies. You’ll find it funny later.]

It seems like a cruel joke, but these are the moments that will shape the person you are going to become. Although there are definitely things I’d like to stop you from doing (one thing in particular comes to mind. Seriously. Please don’t do that), I know that you have to make all those mistakes and struggle through all those challenges in order to get to here. And trust me, here is absolutely a place you’d like to be. There’s a puppy here and everything. [Well. Technically she’s not a puppy anymore. But she’s little and incredibly clingy, so she’ll always be a puppy to me.]

I want to tell you, Namey, that you need to allow yourself to feel however you feel. Never let anyone tell you that you can’t feel a certain way or to say you don’t have a reason. You don’t need borderline brain-dead morons like that in your life. Ignore the people who tell you to just ‘cheer up’ and the people who tell you it’s all in your head. It’s not all in your head and you are allowed to feel sad. You are allowed to feel broken and you are allowed to fall apart. You don’t have to be strong all the time. You don’t have to hide behind an empty face.

There are people in your life who you can trust. There are also people in your life who you can’t trust, but you’ll learn that soon enough. Focus on the good people and don’t let a handful of fools taint your opinion of humanity forever. Yes, there are an abundance of #HUMANS in the world who will make you roll your eyes so hard that you will eventually break your eyeball, but you have some good people in your life. Trust them. Let them help.

Throw yourself into your writing and into music. Where words fail, music speaks. Let it in and don’t listen to that one extreme fool who tells you that you can’t listen to “depressing” music. That “depressing” music is going to help you realise that you aren’t the only person who has ever felt this way. It will show you that other people have felt like you do, and they survived. It will give you hope that you will survive it too. Then one day you will see that “depressing” band live in concert and you will be absolutely floored by the realisation of how far you’ve come. It doesn’t feel like it now, but on that day you’ll see how strong you are. How strong you’ve always been. On that day you’ll realize that all these moments when you felt like you couldn’t go on have added up to form a greater whole. You’ll see that without those years – the years you are currently going through – this would not be possible. You wouldn’t be well on the way to living your dream. The dream that you haven’t even admitted to yourself yet. I see you there, writing entire novels by hand under the cover of moonlight. You think it’s just a hobby, a distraction from what is going on around you, but it’s not. It’s so much more than that. That’s why you are compelled to do it. Beyond a reasonable doubt.

Anyway, [Namey], I guess I just wanted you to know that you’ll be okay. Even though it doesn’t feel that way right now, I promise you that you will be okay. Like I said before, one day soon you’re going to be so full of love and hope and joy that you don’t even know what to do with yourself. And at that time you’ll look back at how far you’ve come, and see that there was always a light shining through. Even in the darkest times, there’s always a light shining through. It just takes faith to see it. After all, all we need is faith. Faith is all we need.


Inspired by @cortana02 <3
Thank you.
Just thank you.

[Original edit]
After reading this post, @cortana02 made this for me using my instagram pics. It is so perfect that I cried the second I saw it. Instant tears.

TITLE LYRICS: “R-Evolve” by Mars

*I decided this could have an audience. Maybe. It really depends if you read it.