Thursday, 2 July 2015

I am alive, I'm just playing dead.

Hey everyone. It’s been a while. I just wanted to drop in and let you all know I am still doing that cumbersome breathing thing. I’m so sorry that I have been largely absent from here and from all forms of social media. As you may remember from this post in March (wow, that’s super depressing), my brain has forgotten how to brain and I have forgotten how to function. 

As my brain has forgotten how to brain, I haven’t really been working on anything new. I’m sorry. I have ideas bouncing around in my head almost constantly, but the actual act of stringing together sentences that don’t suck more than usual is proving to be much too difficult. Really, if I’m being honest, the act of doing anything besides that breathing thing is proving to be much too difficult. And some days even that feels much too difficult.

I can’t say thank you enough to the people who are messaging me and checking on me. It honestly means so much to me. I know I don’t always reply right away and for that I am sorry. It’s not because I am ignoring you or because I don’t appreciate you asking me how I am doing or offering me support; it’s because some days that thing where you write words and say things is very literally impossible. I know that sounds weird, but my therapist explained it to me. It’s actually a scientific fact that when you’re in a period of high stress and anxiety, the cognitive part of your brain almost entirely shuts down and the back of your brain takes over. The back of your brain controls basic instincts such as escaping from danger and staying alive. So when you’re in that state of high stress and anxiety, it’s not uncommon to be incapable of doing things that should come automatically. It even shows up on an MRI. If you MRI the brain of a person who is in that state, most of the brain activity is happening in the basic survival instincts area. I am currently living in that state 24/7, so my brain has very literally forgotten how to brain. Which is unfortunate. I quite liked my brain, once. Not so much anymore.


I also wanted to say a huuuuuuuge thank you to #TeamGirlWithWords for making me feel like I can do that writing thing. I love love love your tweets about missing the Axton boys and wanting me to write something else. Again I don’t always respond right away, but it really makes me so happy and proud to see that people miss my words. Thank you, and for the record, I miss my words too. I hope they are not gone forever. I tell myself they’re not – I tell myself I’M not – but some days I’m not so sure. Hopefully I can put myself back together. I have a needle and a guitar string ready to use. I just need to remember where the stitches go.

One more thing before I retreat back into my usual state of oh hey, this wall is super interesting. Imma stare at it for the next eight hours. I would just like to clarify that my current state has NOTHING to do with Mars. Apparently some people thought that I had an extreme case of #PCD or something, which is not the case at all. These are problems I've had all my life. Once upon a time I thought I’d slain the dragon and rescued the princess, but it turns out it was one of those dragons where when you cut off one of its heads, two more grow back in its place. I didn’t know that when I merrily cut off all its heads, so now it has hundreds of heads and they all breathe fire and spit acid and continually remind me of memories I wish I didn't have. I no longer know how to battle it because all I had was a sword, and now my sword is useless. My sword just makes it worse. Most days I wish it would just eat me already, but I guess it’s more fun to play how many times can I make you cry before you just give up? So yeah. This is not Mars related in the slightest.

Anyway. I seem to have reached my daily functioning limit so it’s time to crawl back into the burrito and study the wall. It really is fascinating, you know.

Much love,

Whatever name you know me by. I have a few. Xo

Title lyrics: 'Northern Lights' by Thirty Seconds To Mars