Wednesday, 24 August 2016

Mornings.

Mornings.

There are so many
silly
rules
inside
your
head.

It starts in the morning.
Open your eyes.
Open them.
Blink three times.
One.
Two.
Three.

Check your phone, but only some.
Only some.
Only some.

And not if it's before 8:30am.
Do not touch
your phone
before
eight
thirty
a
m.

Check your body for signs of disappearance.
HipBonesCollarBonesRibCageChestBones.

Make sure
they are all
there.

Get out of bed
slowly
butnottooslownottooslownottooslow
left foot
right foot
one
at a
time.

Shoes on.
Gown on.
Stumble stumble stumble to the back door and let the dogs outside.

They need to pee, you know.

Go into the bathroom.
Check
yourself.
Are you still there
Are you more
or less
than
you
were
yest
ter
day?

Look at the scale.
Look at it.
Look.
Look.
Look.

There are four, you know.
Judge.
Jury.
Executioner.
Purgatory.

Purgatory.
Purgatory.
Purgatory.

Rid your body of excess.
Blow your nose and clean your ears.
Wash your hands
But
Do Not
let
any
other
part
of you
touch
the
water.

Do not.
Do not.
Do not.

It might
soak
into
your skin
and
make
you
heavier.

Strip down to your underwear.
No bra
but
cover
your chest
because
it is
disgusting
And
you hate it.
Hate it.
Hate it.
Hate it.

Right arm
over
your left
and
never
the other
way
round.

Breathe out
a l l
the air
inside
your lungs
and tap
the centre
of
the first
scale.

HoldYourBreathDon'tHoldYourBreathHoldYourBreathDon'tHoldItDon'tHoldItDon'tHoldItBreathe.

Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.

Oxygen has a weight, you know.
It does.
It does.
It does.

Step onto the scale.
Watch
the number
fall.

Fall.
Fall.
Fall.

It has to fall
enough.
It has to.
It has to.

Check that the scale is Not Lying.
Judge.
Jury.
Executioner.
Purgatory.

Purgatory.
Purgatory.
Purgatory.

It better not be lying.
It better
be
less.

Put the number into your phone.
App number one
Two
Three
Four
and
Five.

Five apps. Just to be sure.

To be sure, to be sure.
Just like the Irish.

Clothes on.
Teeth brushed.
Hair not brushed because you'll go bald, but fixed with your fingers until it's okay.

It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.

Into the kitchen.
Open the curtains.
Check for evidence of rule-breaking-night-eating-weakness-weakness-weakness.

Turn on the kettle.
Make your bed.
Put
away
your
pyjamas.

Drink some water.
It's okay, now.
Drink.
Drink.
Drink.

Wash your hands a lot of times.
Then wash them more.
Just to be
safe.

Take a yoghurt from the fridge.
There should be 8 or 9 or 10 or 11 or 12.
Never more.
Never less.

Yoghurt should be eaten with a plastic teaspoon.
Never metal.
Never a tablespoon.
Never anything but white.
Never.
Never.
Never.

Weigh a banana or maybe some strawberries or an apple. Weigh out your muesli.

Bite your tongue and hold your breath until it's done or a stray grain may make its way into your mouth and then what will become of you?

Put the box away before it's too late.
Away.
Away.
Away.

The kettle has boiled.

Make your tea.
Green.
Two bags.
In a travel mug.
You're not going anywhere.
But
The travel mug
is
safe.

Safe.
Safe.
Safe.

YouAreNotSafeYouAreNotSafeYouAreNotYouAreNotNotNot.

Take your tea
and
yoghurt
and
fruit
and
muesli
and
put them
on
the coffee table
by
your
couch.

Then

Take a bottle of water
and
A bottle of sparking water
and
A can of coke zero
And
A bottle of flavour drops
to
the table
too.

Wash you hands and weigh yourself weigh yourself weigh yourself just to know your starting number for when you're clothed and wearing weights wearing weights wearing weights.

It's been over a year, now.
Ankle weights every day.
Two on each leg.
Always.
You want three but then they can't hide inside your shoes.

Back into the living room.

Sit.
Breathe.
Sit.

Take a picture of your food.
Because you have to
You have to
You have to

If you don't how will you know that you didn't actually eat everything everything everything you own?

Log the food and their calories into your app app app apps.

While you're there,
Check your pulse.
Sleeping heart rates above 39 will not be tolerated.

39 is the new black, didn't you know?
40 is an abomination.
Only 30 is safe.
Only.
Only.
Only.

Drink half the flat water
Then
Add the flavour
to the sparking water

Sip
Sip
Sip.

Unpeel
the
banana.

Zip
Zip
Zip.

Eat the banana
and
Drink the water
and
Don't go too fast
or
Too slow
and
Don't move
or
Speak
or
Touch
Touch
Touch
Anything
At
All.

[Except the banana. And the water. Of course.]

Weigh the empty skin.

Starting weight - skin weight = banana weight = adjust your calories and feel a little better.

Wrap the skin in old newspaper and throw it in the bin outside.

Wash
Wash
Wash
your hands.

Weigh
Weigh
Weigh
yourself.

Return to your living room.
Your tea isn't cold, don't worry.
It's in the travel mug.
It's fine.
It's fine.
It's fine.

Open
the yoghurt.

Slowly
Slowly
Slowly.

Do not spill it you're going to spill it if you spill it you can't eat it you can't you can't you can't.

Lick the yoghurt off the lid.
One.
Two.
Three.

Dip
a grain
of muesli
into
the yoghurt
using
the plastic
spoon.

One grain. Maybe 5. Never more than 6.

Eat.

Repeat
until
the yoghurt
and muesli
are gone.

Wash the spoon
and
the tiny tub
you used
for
the muesli.

Throw away the yoghurt container and ignore the voice in your head that screams, KEEP IT KEEP IT KEEP IT.

Wash
Wash
Wash
your hands.

Weigh
Weigh
Weigh
yourself.

Return to the couch.
You may check your phone, now.
Drink your tea
and your coke
and then
it's time
to run
on
the
treadmill
until
it's time
for lunch.

Good morning.
Have a great day.