Yesterday I was bright and shiny and yay-sparkle-rainbows. The day before, also yay-sparkle-rainbows. The day before the day before, not so much. Today, at now 12:45am, not so much.
The post-happy-high-crash is one of the most awful things that has ever existed. Maybe not as awful as, say, being chased by the hounds, or the hounds with bees in their mouth so when they bark they shoot bees*, but still. It is tough. It is tough because while in yay-sparkle-rainbows land, you can almost convince yourself that this is it. It will stick this time. You’re better, and not pretend better, but go-to-America-and-stalk-a-band-around-the-planet-and-go-to-far-too-many-shows-and-love-everything-and-snort-glitter kind of better.
After all, you were there once. So you can be again, right?
But not this time.
Not today, satan.
I always find that the days following good days are some of the hardest. That probably sounds weird, like, shouldn’t you just be grateful that you had a few good days? Shouldn’t that make things seem better? Unfortunately, no. In fact the inverse is true. It’s like your brain is taunting you. Like, HEY! HEY YOU! Remember this? Remember being happy? Remember being functional? It’s pretty damn great, right! YAY YOU DON’T WANT TO DIE TODAY! YOU AREN’T WATCHING YOUR HEART RATE FALL AND HOPING IT STOPS! You’re cure--- Lolz, no, I’m just playin’. You’re still incredibly screwed up and hey let’s play a game called Remembering Every Bad Thing That Has Ever Happened In The History Of Forever! Doesn’t that sound like fun?
Yeah. My brain is a bastard. Honestly I don’t know why lobotomies are no longer a thing. Fun fact: I asked my doctor for a lobotomy about three months ago. Deadpan.
He said, I’m pretty sure I could pull one off if need be. Either that or make you a braindead zombie. Or just dead.
I said, hey man. Any one of those is fine with me.
Unfortunately he didn’t follow through with it. Something about losing his medical licence, I don’t know.
Anyway. It turns out that there may be evidence to suggest that some people become more suicidal as their depression lifts or their mental illness begins to enter a period of recovery or remission. I’m not by any means qualified to speak to the data on this or for other people, but from my own experience, I would say that one possible cause for this would be moments like this. Moments where you’re teased with the possibility of better and then it is ripped away before it even has a chance to settle. It can leave you feeling horribly hopeless, more depressed than you were before, and a bit like, what’s the point. I always end up back here. Why even bother.
These are thoughts and feelings that I am well acquainted with. I’ve even named them, because, well, this is next level ingenuity:
Not only are these thoughts entirely unhelpful, they are also entirely untrue.
Now, hear me out. I know that sounds a bit like everything-gets-better-you’ll-be fine-let’s-go-snort-glitter. That is not what I am saying at all. What I am saying is things change. They do. They may feel like they won’t, but they do. The only constant is change. In psychology** there’s a term called durability bias. Durability bias is the tendency for people to overestimate how long certain feelings and emotional states will last. It is the notion that I will feel like this forever. And it is wrong. You won’t feel the exact same way forever, good or bad, unless you happen to find a doctor who performs lobotomies***.
Sometimes this is comforting. Sometimes it is not. Sometimes change makes things worse. Harder. A worsening of symptoms. A decline in health. A new difficulty or problem. Another reason to believe that things – that you – will not and cannot get better. But sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes change helps. It improves things. It brings a new challenge. A new perspective. Inspiration. A new method of coping of surviving or swimming when all you want to do is drown. No matter what, change happens, whether we want it to or not. And while not all changes are good, it is comforting, for me at least, to know that nothing lasts forever. That the only constant is change.
With this in mind, I have come to a decision. I am going to be closing this blog and moving to a new one. A new chapter, if you will. The new blog will be linked to this one -- which will still exist but won’t be updated – and it will still be under the authorship of The Girl With Words [that’s meeeeee]. The content will be along the same lines of the content on this blog, but perhaps with more of an emphasis on mental health as that is my focus and my passion**** [along with rambling into the wind, of course]. There is a strong theme of mental health on this blog, I believe, but I plan to make it more obvious on the new blog. I plan to use what I’ve learnt through my years of dealing with the yuck things in life to hopefully help others going through a similar thing, or to help those with loved ones going through a similar thing to understand things better. There are certain things in life that I believe are very difficult to understand if you haven’t experienced them yourself or had someone close to you experience them. I hope that I can write about those topics in a manner that makes them accessible. If not, feel free to the release the hounds on me. Even the hounds with bees in their mouths.
I have been thinking about doing this for a while now. Not because there is anything wrong with this blog – I love it and I love all of you for reading it – but because I am not the person I was when I started it way back in 2013. I am not who I was four years ago, both for better and for worse in different ways. In the theme of change, since I started this blog, I:
· Adopted a puppy;
· Had my puppy grow up into an even bigger puppy;
· Mediated the conflict between my first puppy and my second puppy so now they are PUPPY BEST FRIENDS;
· THEY WILL ALWAYS BE PUPPIES, OKAY;
· Started treatment for my mental health issues for the umpteenth time;
· Stuck with treatment for coming up to two consecutive years, which is my record;
· Went back to university;
· Began working on a degree that will result in a change in my career;
· Remembered how much I love learning;
· Realized that I am a giant nerd;
· Like an even bigger nerd than I thought before;
· And I’m okay with that;
· A lot;
· Like a lot a lot;
· Shhhh I’m not a stalker;
· Read the entire Harry Potter series roughly sixty-seven times;
· Watched all the movies roughly eight-hundred-and-twelve times;
· No really; there was a month where I had the movies on a repeat loop all day every day and I am not even kidding;
· I have no regrets;
· Watched Grey’s Anatomy in its entirety so many times that I am pretty certain I can do an appendectomy;
· Attempted an appendectomy on myself;
· Update: Cannot perform an appendectomy;
· Update: Probably need a doctor;
· Update: DAMN YOU SHONDA RIMES FOR KILLING OFF SO MANY DOCTORS;
· Update: McDREAMY NOOOOOO
· Wait he was a brain surgeon;
· MAYBE HE COULD HAVE LOBOTOMIZED ME;
· DAMN YOU SHONDA RIMES, DAMN YOU
…Ahem. Anyway. My point is, things change. People change. I changed. Maybe not so much for the better, but I changed. And now it’s time for my blog to change. To start again with a brand new name. I hope you will join me as I embark on the next chapter of The Girl With Words. Going boldly where no Girl With Words has gone before.
After all, every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.
*Fun GWW fact: I am petrified of bees. And wasps. And the wasps with bees in their mouths so when they bark they shoot bees.
**Forgive me; I am currently doing a psych degree and I am loving learning about this stuff and throwing it around like I know what I’m talking about when I so clearly don’t. Ah yes, the Rorschach test. Indeed. Freud. Yes.
***And if you do, hook a girl up, K?
****I have always wanted to be a school psychologist and work with children in need of help. I had a place at a university to do the degree when I finished high school, but it was in another state and my mother’s apron strings couldn’t stretch that far, lol. I am kidding. You guys know that my mom is my most favourite human ever. She didn’t want me to move away at that time so I didn’t.
TITLE LYRICS: ‘Closing Time’ by Semisonic
When it is ready, I will post the link to my bright and shiny new blog here, on Twitter, and on Instagram. As I said before, this blog will still be here along with all its content. I may occasionally link to it from the new blog the way I currently link to old posts now. I have no timeline on this, but I hope to be ready within the next week or two. No promises, though. My brain is a fickle thing and I can never be sure when it will decide to pack up and leave.
Maybe I should superglue it to my skull.
Hmmm. Now there’s an idea.
UPDATE: Not all ideas are good ideas.
UPDATE: DAMN YOU SHONDA RIMES, WHERE’S A DOCTOR WHEN YOU NEED ONE